My Unbearable Cross

*Read with caution...huge amounts of uncomfortable truths to follow*

Dearest (insert name here),

Tonight I feel punched in the gut. Physically ill and as if I am alone in a very deep, dark hole...a hole which I have been digging and clawing for myself, using my own two hands. I am the captain of this sinking ship, the author of this rubbish book and the one who has been thinking that I am in control. Want to know how far this has gotten me? Well, here's a clue: not very.

Let me elaborate.

When we lose sight of reality, when we stop focusing on what really matters, when we constantly compare ourselves and our lives to others', when we stop laughing in the face of our troubles and when we appoint ourselves as judges...that's when we wake up one day and realise with a start that we've left both the front and the back door open and that we've been robbed blindly.

I, too, have been allowing and indulging too many negative thoughts, painful words (given as well as received), unforgiveness towards friends and family, and offence upon offence taken on my shoulders like blankets made out of lead to put me in a head-space riddled with constant fear, hate and doubt and a heart that's hurting. And I mean REALLY hurting. A space that reflects a barren desert - not even one flower in sight - an ill wind blowing through my shackled bones. A state of sleepless slumber...crying out to God at every opportunity, but not listening to what He's really telling me. This has been my cross to bear...my unbearable cross.

And that's where I find myself tonight,  probably in the most honest of places: on my knees, begging God for forgiveness. Asking Him for a new, soft heart because I've let mine become callous and cold. Asking Him for a fresh anointing of His spirit, because I know I have grieved His. Asking Him for His grace...on which I have been piggybacking for so long. Asking Him for His love...one of the only things which I have ever been sure of in my entire life.

And you know what..?

That's the thing about God. That's the thing about grace. That's the thing about this road I've been walking with Him for 15 years. That's the thing about wandering off like a lost sheep in search of who-knows-what. That's the thing about His open arms. That's the thing about where I find myself now: if we did everything right every day, and if we were perfect, and if we never hurt anyone, and if we never sinned...we would never need God. And oh, HOW I NEED HIM.

It is 00:26 on the 13th of April and I awake from my sleepless slumber as new life is breathed into me. I float like a feather on the gentle breeze of His presence, landing on the palm of His open hand. Welcome home. How I've missed you.

That's the thing about grace. That's the thing about God. He will always meet you halfway, ready to carry on walking right beside you on the path that He has set before you. Walking as if nothing happened, talking to you like only your dearest, closest friend could. Removing every word and every weapon which you have used to hurt yourself and others from your mind and your heart. As far as the East is from the West...as far as hate is from love.

This has been my cross to bear...my unbearable cross. You and I don't have to carry this load alone or walk this road in solitude. You see, He has already paid the price. And He does it every morning as new mercy - new grace - is left on your doorstep like an unopened package from a long-lost friend. Like a red rose left on your pillow by a lover. And like a note left in your lunchbox, signed with love..."Dad".