"Friends Will Be Friends"...Or Will They?

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is” – Spice Girls, Wannabe

Yes, I know, I just quoted the Spice Girls. But for a very legit reason. It would appear that not only were the Spice Girls never really cool, they just conned ten-year old me into believing that they were. But they are also a bunch of liars, and bad ones too. “Friendship never ends”, is what they said. What a joke. Childhood illusion #53: officially debunked.

You know that sick-to-you-stomach feeling I was referring to in one of my previous posts (see “Why women hate”)? Yes, that. I experienced it again a few days ago, and it caught me completely off guard, because I've been able to live for so long without "The Drama". Let me explain.

My mom and I quickly popped into Baby City on Sunday to buy a potty and some pull-up nappies for The Toddler for the next transitional phase of his life (exciting times). And then I saw them: first him, and then her. Two friends who used to play such an integral role in our lives and whom we really cherished and trusted. Two friends who we hadn’t seen or spoken to in almost three years for reasons that still remain a big, fat mystery to us to this day. And there I was, my guard completely down, alone save for my mom, and my first instinct was to turn around and quietly slip out of the shop before they could see me. But I chose to face them instead.

To cut a short story even shorter: if I thought I was feeling uncomfortable, you should have seen their faces. They were even more shocked/horrified to see me, than I was to see them. Jo'burg is only that big, folks. It was bound to happen. I gulped audibly, took a deep breath, smiled and greeted them as one would greet someone whom you hadn’t seen in years. But sadly, it wasn’t reciprocated. I could see that they were still holding onto – clinging desperately to – whatever it was that we had done wrong. After three years? Really? Really.

And this got me thinking: the Spice Girls are liars. Friendship does end – for whatever reasons – and I can live with that. There’s no use losing too much sleep over it. Book closed. Bam.

Instead of beating situations to death, repeatedly trying to make contact to rectify situations (and getting shut out, shunned like a dog that just peed on a Persian rug), I came to a point where I realised: they are just not going to budge. Whatever we did was obviously the “unforgivable sin” and no amount of I-don’t-know-why-I’m-apologising-but-sorry was going to restore the friendship we once had with them. It sucks, but that’s life – things really don’t work out like they do in the movies, so best we make peace with it.

  

And since this "let's not be friends" experience, and especially since seeing them again on Sunday, I came to a realisation: friendship is a relative term. It is something which sounds amazing in practice, but when push comes to shove, when it comes to being a friend, we all fall short. Myself included.

Friendship requires the giving of oneself. Freely, without expecting anything in return. It is a relationship between people where you commit – even if it is just in your heart – to be there for someone and to walk an exclusive and special road with them. But there are no, and should be no, “terms and conditions apply - be sure to read the fine print” in a true friendship.

It is something which requires work, but when it becomes an effort riddled with expectations, that’s where friendship becomes admin. It is something which is to be enjoyed – carefree and unabashedly – but so often we turn it into a painful Chinese water torture exercise. So often we get to a space where we feel like we need to mince our words. Watch our steps. We get offended easily. We press the “send” button without thinking twice. We wound each other. And then one day we wake up, wondering why we are no longer friends *insert snort here*.

I’ve experienced far too much heartache in the friendship department…as has any other breathing, feeling, blinking and living human being on this earth. “We are all walking around with limps”, said one of my best friends to me the other day, when I cried out to her to help me make sense of “why friendships end”. And she’s so right, we’ve all been hurt. But that doesn’t give us the right to hurt others.

So I've decided to give you all a little heads-up. When we enter into a friendship, I want you to know and understand the following (my friends already know this about me):

I am not perfect. Never have been, and never will be.

I will say things which make you angry – please decide now if you’re prepared to take the risk.

I’m painfully honest, and I’ll call you on your shit. I expect you to do the same with me. How else will we grow?

I will say inappropriate things – laugh with me, instead of getting your panties into a twist. Your call.

You can call me at two, three, four and again at five in the morning and I will listen to you. If I can, I will come to wherever you are and just be your friend.

I will put my life on hold for you.

When you get that amazing new job, lose those last five kilos or baptize your firstborn child – I will be by your side, doing the ugly cry or the squeel-jump.

I will entrust you with my deepest secrets, hopes, fears and dreams. Don’t use them against me.

I will make mistakes. Forgive me in advance, so that we don’t waste the precious moments that we have together.

If you don’t like another woman because she smiled too friendly at your guy, I will telepathically cut that bitch, too.

I am as loyal as a dog. Don't kick me, though.

I will expect you to have Twilight marathons with me, cheer me up every now and again, reassure me that I'm on the right track in terms of being a wife/mom/friend, notice at least twice a year if I've changed my hair,and have binge days with me. Kidding! You have to notice my hair every time.

I will pray for you and uplift you to God. Every day.

I will be your friend for life. But that’s a two-way street.

Oh, and this:

All that I have left to say is, that I am very grateful, spoiled and blessed to have the kind of friends that I do have. Friends who give me the liberty to be who I am, and still love me after everything. Friends who have seen me at my best, and at my worst, and still love me after everything. Instead of wasting my time and energy on those who have hurt me, not forgiven me, mistreated me and misunderstood me…I choose to let go and put it down as “experience” on my resume of life.

Maybe friendship really doesn’t end.

Thank God the Spice Girls’ careers did.