Heya sexy,looking mighty fine today aren't we?
I'm baaaaaaaaack.Eli is taking a snooze and he is all tuckered out from his first class at Moms and Tots this morning.We had a good time...he just doesn't seem to listen to me very well when he's around other kids/new toys/in general,and that stresses me out a bit.Maybe it's just an age thing.Or maybe,that's just what kids do.I'm going to go with the former and leave it at that for now.I was supposed to have a Skype meeting with one of my clients now,but seems like that's only going to happen later today.Ah well,I never complain if I have an hour or two to myself.
So,now that you all have an idea what my blog is all about,the just of it,I want to dig a little bit deeper than that.
In my introduction,I mention quite a few labels - things which I would easily call myself and laugh about it.Come on - Grammar Hitler sums me up so well.One night Adam and I were chatting,and he said to me,"You are Grammar Hitler".To which I replied,"There's no such thing - it's called Grammar Nazi".His response?"No,but you're the boss".See,that's hilarious,but it's also a label.
There are many labels I can give myself,many boxes I can put myself into.There are many words which aptly describe me.Some are nice,and some less so."Paranoid" - there's one I like less."Moody" - and that's not even limited to when I'm PSM-ing."Eye-roller" - it's a nasty habit,but I've got it down to an art."Cries-a-lot" - when I'm happy or sad.Especially when I'm angry."Insecure" - mostly about myself and my abilities.And I can go on and on and on.Then there's the one that this blog is centred around:"MOM".Wow,it packs a punch.It comes with responsibility that blows your mind.It gives you more joy than you've ever imagined.It teaches you things about yourself that you never knew.Not to mention the lessons.And it mostly brings you to your knees,to a place of realisation and dependence on God,where you know you can't possibly do this alone and you need help.But MOM is never ever an excuse.
As I mentioned in my previous blog,I've always had an issue with my weight.Ups and downs,highs and lows.We are given one body to see us through till the day we blow out our last breath,and to be honest,I've been very hard on my body in the past.I smoked for eight years (and breaking off my love affair with Nico(tine) was the best thing I ever did for myself),I had one too many drinks in my college years,I don't always wear sunscreen when I go outside even though I have very fair skin,I don't floss my teeth every day,I eat junk food,I've tried just about every crash diet/fad diet/pills&potions that are out there...the list goes on and on and on.If my body was a child,it would call childline and report me for abuse.
Then in 2010 (3 months after got married) I fell pregnant.Naive and dumb as I was - first pregnancies being the great universal leveller of moms - I managed to gain an enormous 18kg during my pregnancy.I remember going to the gynaecologist for one of our last check-ups,and of course I had to get on the scale (as if I wasn't depressed and uncomfortable enough at that stage) and I remember Adam looking at me and saying,"You now weigh more than me babe".FML.That's the only way I can possibly sum that moment up.
Then Eli was born (happiest day of my life EVER) and I left the hospital...still looking about 8 months pregnant.Ohhhh the things they don't warn you about before you decide to have kids.Bastards.Luckily I had a very hungry baby,and soon the kilos started dropping and before I knew it,I was 6kg lighter than when I fell pregnant - best feeling ever.I managed to lose 24kg AND I looked like Pamela Anderson in the boob-department.Unfortunately that joy was short-lived,because as soon as I weaned Eli (he was 9 months old when I stopped breastfeeding),I was left with two little deflated balloons.And I couldn't eat "what I wanted to" anymore.
19 February 2012,Eli is 10 months old to the day.I remember that day like it was yesterday.We had a family photo shoot on the Saturday,and on the Sunday I took a home pregnancy test (more out of curiosity than anything,my cycle was messed up anyway because of the breastfeeding).I gave it a minute or so - ok,negative - and chucked it in the bin.When we can back from lunch,I picked the same test up and suddenly it was positive.Uh-oh.I did another test the next morning - positive.
And that's where I want to end that story for now.Our "BIG surprise" baby bean only grew for 10 weeks,and I lost her (it was without a doubt a girl) at 12 weeks.A day after our precious son's first birthday party.The day I felt like dying...but I woke up the next morning with an emptiness that echoed through my entire being.
And over the following months,I found my comfort in food.I was feeling sorry for myself (ok,who wouldn't).I was feeling unloved.I was feeling angry.I was feeling alone.And I was feeling so dissatisfied with myself and my body...but I didn't care.I was using "mom" as an excuse.I just lost a baby.My body had let me down in the biggest way possible,even though I know (now,5 months later) that it wasn't my fault.
I knew from the moment that I lost that baby,that I shouldn't fall pregnant again soon (even though the Dr said I could if I wanted to).I was in such a mixed up space emotionally and physically,that I knew a "replacement baby" would not be a good idea.But still my heart ached and yearned.Then I wanted to fall pregnant,then I wanted to lose weight first.Then I was 100% convinced I was pregnant in June (I had a chemical pregnancy,so you get a positive test and all the symptoms are there,but no implantation),so I let go of my efforts to lose weight...what a freaking rollercoaster.
And then it finally happend:my "AHAAAAA" moment.
Eight weeks ago,me,myself and I had a chat.A fight.A battle of wills.And in the end,I won.I had to sit down and face the music."WHAT DO I WANT IN LIFE???"That is the question I asked myself over and over again."WHAT DO YOU WANT,MARYKE???Because if it is another baby,then go for it,but you won't be at a healthy starting weight,and you'll end up looking like a baby elephant again during your pregnancy,which puts a lot of strain on your body and on your baby.AND you have a toddler to look after too and he needs you.So decide,make a decision like an adult,and stick to it."So after many tears and days of wrestling with myself,I made a decision.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be strong.
I want to be fit.
I want to fit into those tight size 34 black skinny jeans that have been taking up space in my cupboard.
I want to be hot.
I want to be skinny.
I want to be a wife my (very active) husband can be proud of.
I want,I want,I want,I WANT TO BE the BEST ME I have ever been DESPITE the fact that I am a MOM.Despite the fact that I lost a precious baby.Despite the fact that I found my comfort in food.Despite the fact that I don't even believe in myself.
And right there and then,I started designing a game plan.I want to set myself up for SUCCESS,not failure.I need goals.I need to motivate myself,because I'm doing this for ME and for nobody else.Nobody told me to do this.
So I:
Signed up for SHAPE magazine's "12 week to 10km" plan (www.shapemag.co.za) - great if you have absolutely NO level of fitness like I had
I took my brand new pair of Sauconey trainers out of their box
I printed out a running log
I measured and weighed myself
I stocked up on lots of delicious fruits,vegetables,whole grains and lean protein
I got hold of an eating plan that a dietician worked out for me last year,and decided to use it as a guideline.
And here I am now,eight weeks later,6kg lighter and 38cm less on the measuring tape.A far cry from the mom,the girl,the wife I was eight weeks ago.I am not "there" yet,but I'm sure as hell a lot closer to the goals I have set for myself.I have never been committed like this in my entire life,because I have never given myself such a wonderful gift.Only when I made a conscious decision to steer my boat in the opposite direction to where it was heading (straight for the rocks if you ask me),did I realize that it's not about food controlling me.It's not about hating exercise.It's not about the way I can't stand they way I look when I see myself in the mirror.It's about me taking the control back and DOING something about all those things,making them know that they are MY bitch,and not the other way around,as it has been for so many years.
There are still days when I really don't feel like going for a run - it is bloody hard work - but I can also attest to the fact that the only workout you'll regret is the one you didn't do.There are still days when I have junk food,but they happen maybe once a month.There are still days when I feel fat and ugly and insecure,but then I remind myself how I felt when I didn't exercise and I didn't eat healthy.I have come a long way.
I have probably irritated so many people on Facebook and BBM,because I'm constantly updating how far I've run and what I've had for lunch and I post pictures of half-clad women with amazing arms and flat stomachs (it's all about being accountable).But I know moms who actually look like that (I'm not mentioning names,Samantha Pearse),and that INSPIRES ME because it lets me believe I CAN HAVE that...IF I'm willing to do the hard work.And for the first time in my life,I truly am.It's a marathon,not a sprint - I WILL get there.
I'm running my first 10km race in exactly 5 days,and even though I am a bit nervous - and I've got that "you're writing a massive exam" feeling in the pit of my stomach - I am excited beyond words,because I know I have put the hours in,and the solid foundation I have worked on in the last 8 weeks (I'm currently busy with week 9) is there for me to fall back on.
Now do you guys get why I say "Mom is a title,not an excuse"?
One final thought before I go feed Eli his lunch:
For as long as I can remember,I've given myself a present for Christmas,even if it is something small like a nice pair of shoes or a stunning shade of red lipstick (Bobbi Brown "Crimson" is my current favourite).This year,I've decided not to buy myself anything...because NO money ON THIS EARTH can buy the nice ass and flat stomach I'm giving myself.The gift that truly keeps on giving (bhahahahaha).
I'll catch you all on the flipside,thanks for reading this.Oh,and for the AMAZING feedback I've had as a response to my blog.
Maryke
xxx
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