For My Baby

One day I'll hear your laughter in the breaking of the bread...
Or I'll see you playing by the long trees, with a crown of roses on your head.

One day I'll see your smile in the rising of the sun...
Or I'll hear your carefree chatter where two or more are having fun.

One day I'll hear a song and know that it's for me and you...
Or I'll dance in the lounge with your dad, wishing you could too.

One day I'll stop missing you, and you'll stop missing me...
You'll reach out to me and I'll pick you up from where you're sitting on His knee.

My Unbearable Cross

*Read with caution...huge amounts of uncomfortable truths to follow*

Dearest (insert name here),

Tonight I feel punched in the gut. Physically ill and as if I am alone in a very deep, dark hole...a hole which I have been digging and clawing for myself, using my own two hands. I am the captain of this sinking ship, the author of this rubbish book and the one who has been thinking that I am in control. Want to know how far this has gotten me? Well, here's a clue: not very.

Let me elaborate.

When we lose sight of reality, when we stop focusing on what really matters, when we constantly compare ourselves and our lives to others', when we stop laughing in the face of our troubles and when we appoint ourselves as judges...that's when we wake up one day and realise with a start that we've left both the front and the back door open and that we've been robbed blindly.

I, too, have been allowing and indulging too many negative thoughts, painful words (given as well as received), unforgiveness towards friends and family, and offence upon offence taken on my shoulders like blankets made out of lead to put me in a head-space riddled with constant fear, hate and doubt and a heart that's hurting. And I mean REALLY hurting. A space that reflects a barren desert - not even one flower in sight - an ill wind blowing through my shackled bones. A state of sleepless slumber...crying out to God at every opportunity, but not listening to what He's really telling me. This has been my cross to bear...my unbearable cross.

And that's where I find myself tonight,  probably in the most honest of places: on my knees, begging God for forgiveness. Asking Him for a new, soft heart because I've let mine become callous and cold. Asking Him for a fresh anointing of His spirit, because I know I have grieved His. Asking Him for His grace...on which I have been piggybacking for so long. Asking Him for His love...one of the only things which I have ever been sure of in my entire life.

And you know what..?

That's the thing about God. That's the thing about grace. That's the thing about this road I've been walking with Him for 15 years. That's the thing about wandering off like a lost sheep in search of who-knows-what. That's the thing about His open arms. That's the thing about where I find myself now: if we did everything right every day, and if we were perfect, and if we never hurt anyone, and if we never sinned...we would never need God. And oh, HOW I NEED HIM.

It is 00:26 on the 13th of April and I awake from my sleepless slumber as new life is breathed into me. I float like a feather on the gentle breeze of His presence, landing on the palm of His open hand. Welcome home. How I've missed you.

That's the thing about grace. That's the thing about God. He will always meet you halfway, ready to carry on walking right beside you on the path that He has set before you. Walking as if nothing happened, talking to you like only your dearest, closest friend could. Removing every word and every weapon which you have used to hurt yourself and others from your mind and your heart. As far as the East is from the West...as far as hate is from love.

This has been my cross to bear...my unbearable cross. You and I don't have to carry this load alone or walk this road in solitude. You see, He has already paid the price. And He does it every morning as new mercy - new grace - is left on your doorstep like an unopened package from a long-lost friend. Like a red rose left on your pillow by a lover. And like a note left in your lunchbox, signed with love..."Dad".

Boy

You, boy
with your laughter
as infectious as
blades of grass
on brand new skin

You with the
tangled hair and
tumbleweed heart:
you keep me young,
you make my world spin.

You, boy
were once my
wildest dream...
and now I get
to watch you grow.

Taller than the
tallest tree, with the
rays of the sun
bouncing off your face:
how much do I love you?

As high as love can go.

"5 Roasted Vegetables Deception" Cottage Pie

Hands up if you've ever slaved in the kitchen for hours, trying to come up with new ways to serve vegetables to your family...only to have them eat everything else but the said vegetables, pushing it into a neat little pile on the plate. Yes, that.

I'll be the first to admit that I hate cold vegetables. For years I didn't touch peas, because those little suckers are cold before they even hit your plate. So in a way I can empathise...but not so much when I've spent a long time in the kitchen.

So over the past 6 years (which is coincidentally how long Adam and I have been together), I have come up with many different ways of sneaking vegetables into most of our favourite dishes. Spaghetti bolognaise is now packed with carrots, celery and mushrooms. Mashed potato is now mashed cauliflower. Oven baked chips are now sweet potato oven baked chips. The art of deception - I think I'm pretty damn good at it. And what do I get in return? Empty plates and tummies full of vegetables. Yes, I sleep sound at night, thank you very much.

Cottage pie is such a delicious dish, when made right. I've experimented with my cottage pie recipe so much, topping it with a butternut crust instead of mashed potato. I'd always add the "peas, carrots and corn" to it, but lo and behold, the veggies would sometimes end up on the side of the plate again (Eli Hunter, I'm looking at you). So I've come up with a new way to make cottage pie, and when I served it last night, Adam told me that it's the best cottage pie he has ever had. My work here is done.

"5 Roasted Vegetables Deception" Cottage Pie

Ingredients

*5 carrots, chopped into chunks
About 10 baby marrows, halved
3 giant mushrooms
3 big tomatoes, quartered
2 tablespoons of olive oil
Salt and black pepper

**1 big head of cauliflower
3 tablespoons of butter

2 tablespoons of olive oil
500g beef mince
1 small tin of tomato paste
Mixed herbs
1 tablespoon of crushed garlic
1 small onion, chopped finely
Parmesan cheese (optional)

Method

1. Pre-heat the oven to 200 degrees Celsius.

2. Place all the vegetables (except for the cauliflower) on a baking tray. Drizzle with the olive oil, season with salt and pepper and roast for 30 minutes.

3. In the meantime, break the cauliflower into chunks and boil until soft.

4. About 10 minutes before your vegetables have to come out the oven, heat the olive oil in a pan and fry the onion and garlic until the onion is soft.

5. Add the mince, mixed herbs and tomato paste. Fry the mince until brown. Remove from the heat.

6. Take the roast vegetables from the oven and place in a food processor. Turn the oven down to 180 degrees Celsius. Puree the vegetables until all the big bits are gone.

7. Return the mince to the stove and add the pureed vegetables. Incorporate well and turn off the heat.

8. Once your cauliflower is soft, drain all the water and puree with a stick blender until smooth, adding the butter and salt.

9. Spoon your mince into a deep oven dish, topping it with the creamy cauliflower.

10. Sprinkle generously with parmesan and bake for 20-30 minutes.

Serve immediately and enjoy!

*You can use just about any vegetables in this recipe. I've roasted broccoli and aubergines before and it worked beautifully as well. Play around!

*You can use half mashed cauliflower and half mashed butternut (mixed together) for the topping if you would like to disguise the taste of the cauliflower a bit more.

You're welcome ;)

Spicy Roasted Tomato and Peppadew Soup

So since I've been granted the immense privilege to be a full time mom again, I've had this surge of energy and inspiration to cook. Not that I neglected my family while I was working, but now I'm full of inspiration and use my days to think about the delicious, healthy meals I want to create for Adam and the kids. And then I do it. The feedback has been empty plates and "thank you, mom" eyes. What an honour it is to look after my family.

With the colder weather, I've been cooking soup to freeze so that I (in particular) don't have to worry too much about lunch for myself. Not only does soup keep you warm, but when made right, it's low in kilojoules, keeps your immune system up due to the hits of garlic and ginger and it caters for your summer body (currently in progress, of course).

Here is a delicious and very easy tomato soup I made last night. To make it kid friendly, leave out the chili.

Spicy Roasted Tomato and Peppadew Soup (serves 4)

Ingredients:
1kg of ripe tomatoes
3 tablespoons of crushed garlic
3 tablespoons of crushed ginger
3 tablespoons of red peppadews
2 tablespoons basil infused avocado oil (olive oil is perfect too)
Salt and black pepper to taste
1 teaspoon of coconut oil (olive oil is perfect too)
1 tablespoon of crushed chili (adjust according to your capacity)
1 tin of whole, peeled tomatoes
1 packet/small tin of tomato paste
1 cup of good quality vegetable stock
Fresh basil to serve

Method:

1. Pre-heat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius 

2. Quarter the tomatoes, without cutting right through them and place on a large baking tray

3. Place equal amounts of garlic, ginger and peppadew on each open tomato

4. Drizzle with the basil oil (or olive oil)

5. Season with salt and pepper to taste

6. Place baking tray into the oven and roast the tomatoes for 30 minutes.

With about 5-8 minutes to go before you have to take the tomatoes out of the oven:

7. In a large pot, heat up the coconut oil and fry the chili until fragrant and softer. You might want to add a little bit of water to the pot at this stage

8. Add the tomato paste and mix well with the chili. Add more water if it's too thick

9. Now add the tin of peeled, whole tomatoes - including the juice 

10. Take the roast tomatoes out of the oven and add everything to the pot

11. Remove the pot from the heat and blend everything in the pot with a stick blender until all the tomatoes and other ingredients are pureed. It doesn't have to be a smooth consistency, but all the big bits need to be gone (If you don't have a stick blender, use a food processor)

12. Place the pot back onto the stove and stir the soup through

13. Add the vegetable stock, reduce the heat and let the soup simmer for 10-15 minutes

14. Serve warm with fresh basil

Let me know what you think of this recipe and most of all: bon appetite.

Parables on Mountains (of toys)

Kids. Gotta love 'em. Apart from teaching you about the obvious and ultimately inevitable things which happen once you enter The Parent Hood (such as "you are able to cope on much less sleep than you ever imagined possible" and "who likes to sit down for 5 minutes and enjoy a hot cup of coffee, anyway?), kids will also teach you many other lessons that will stick with you for life. That's if you allow them to, of course.

Because kids aren't born with bad intentions, hidden agendas and ulterior motives, we truly can look at them for examples on how to become better parents, and simply put, better human beings. They are brutally honest, frighteningly frank and non-biased. They are emotional, innocent and in touch with who they are. Their hearts are pure.

Although I've only been a parent for just over 3 years, I know that I will never be the same person I used to be. It's impossible. Eli and Tori have both taught me things that I hope to apply more and more in my own life.

Here are just a few examples of what they've shown me in their own, unique ways:

1. If the cake sucks, just eat the icing.

I've lost count at the amount of times that Eli has taken a cupcake or a slice of cake at a birthday party, and proceeded to simply lick off all the icing and discard the cake. I've given up on trying to change this about him, because quite frankly, life is too short to suffer through dry cake. Sometimes it's ok to just take the good, and leave the bad. It's ok to be picky. But only sometimes, not all the time.

2. Even if you don't know the song, you must sing and dance.

Tori discovered her vocal cords very early on in life. Not just for shouting, but also for "singing" and "humming". I'd sing a long note, and she'd sing with me. The kettle would boil, Tori would "sing" with it. We'll pat her on the back when putting her to sleep, and she'll "sing".

Then a few months ago, she discovered that she could dance! It's so delightful to watch as she bobs along to any music, with a huge grin on her face. She doesn't need to know the song to sing it, dance to it or be happy about it. All she knows, is that she wants to do it.

This is proof that there is always a reason to be happy - just listen out for the music. Improvisation is key. Fake it until you make it. And yes, somebody is probably going to look at you while you are busy doing it, but who cares.

3. It's perfectly alright to cry every day.

Ok, maybe not every day if you're a grownup, but it's certainly allowed every now and again. Most of us have been brought up in societies which advocate philosophies like, "cowboys don't cry" or "put your big girl panties on"...but sometimes, nothing but a good old fashioned crying session will do the trick. I've seen it with both my kids - they cry when they are tired, hungry, sad, frustrated, when they get hurt or when they need attention. And then they feel better. As adults we have coping mechanisms which enable us to deal with our emotions in a better way, but if you must cry, cry. The point is, feel what you must feel. Don't be apologetic about it. And then move on.

4. Don't trust strangers.

It's a fact that not everyone you meet in life has your best interests at heart. Both my kids have clung to me like little monkeys, hidden behind me or looked at me with "help me, mom" eyes when strangers have come to coochi-coo them. And I've always encouraged them to acknowledge their feelings - it's ok to feel awkward around strangers.

We are all born with that little voice inside of us - that gut instinct or sixth sense - but we often ignore it. I'm not saying that we should lead suspicious lives, but we do need to trust ourselves and our instincts more. If you don't like somebody, or if they make you feel uncomfortable, it's usually for a reason.

5. It's all about me.

I think we would all agree that being selfish is not a good characteristic - whether you are an adult or a child. But children come into this world with a whole list of wants and needs that nobody but their parents can fulfil. It actually starts when they are still in the womb - they take and take and take some more. It's all about me. It's mine. Meh.

Too bad if you want to watch something on TV, they've already got their hearts set on watching what they want to watch (for the hundredth time...today). Too bad if you want to go somewhere else for dinner, "Spur People" is their favourite place in the whole wide world. Too bad if you want to sleep, they need to build a tent right now and they need your help. No actually, you're in the way.

But you know what, I've come to realise that  it's perfectly normal and ok to be selfish once in while. To know exactly what you want in life, and to go for it wholeheartedly - pulling out all the stops as you charge along.

And if it doesn't work out, cry.

And then...share.

6. Make every day a special occasion

Life is life. I often feel bombarded by to-do lists, shopping lists, don't-forget lists and a multitude of weekend plans. It is so easy to start living from weekend to weekend. We pray that Monday will be easy on us, Tuesdays generally suck more than Mondays, by Wednesday we are ready to punch someone, Thursday is technically Friday Eve and then FridaySaturdaySunday. Repeat the cycle.

But it doesn't have to be like that. With kids, every day is pretty much a special occasion - and even if it really isn't, they find beauty and immense pleasure in the mundane.

I remember one night not so long ago, when we decided to go to "Spur People". We didn't tell Eli until we got there and his reaction was priceless: he threw his hands in the air and shouted "Woohooooo!!!" like someone who just heard The Good News for the first time. And this was not because my cooking is terrible or because we had never gone to the Spur before. Eli's life was just made perfect in that moment. We should all learn to really enjoy and celebrate the big and the small moments in life.

7. Act as if you just won the lottery.

When I was a kid, my mom often used to say to me, "Money doesn't grow on my back" or "Do you think money grows on trees?" Only now that I am a parent myself, do I understand such rhetorical statements and questions.

Eli really does think that we have an endless supply of money. He doesn't know how we get it, or that earning money implies that we have had to work for it. In his mind, we simply go to the bank or swipe our cards at the cashier.

When we've told Eli "no" in the past when he's asked us to buy him a new toy or some sweets/books/whatever clever marketing strategy there is aimed at kids (and this happens daily, by the way), he has often (out of sheer desperation, I think) offered to pay for the said item himself. Once again, proving that kids have no concept of money and that they think we are all millionaires.

But this is not necessarily a bad thing. We should all live with the mentality that we are rich. That we have more than enough. That we are able to buy things, but that we actually choose not to. That the God we serve, owns the cattle on a thousand hills and that we have a very big inheritance.

How many of you have had to pay that R7 parking ticket with a R100 note? And then the machine kindly refunds you in R2 coins. Have you ever looked at the expression of a child when that happens? They look like they've just won the lottery.

We're all stinking rich...it's just a matter of perspective.

8. Thank you Jesus for the food, Idon'tknowtheotherwords, Aaaaamen.

We're a family who believes in God. We trust in Him, look towards Him and we thank Him daily for all that we've got. We've also been teaching Eli from a very young age to pray before He eats his food. It's so awesome to witness.

Of course, the hungrier he is, the less audible is Eli's prayer.

But he always prays.

Even though he is so young, and he might not fully understand the gravity and the fullness of prayer, he does it with all his heart.

We might not always know the right words to pray, but as long as we keep on doing it, God will hear us.

9. Saying "pleeeease" sadly won't get you everything you want.

I'll be the first to admit that we drilled manners into Eli until he grasped the concept of "please and thank you" 100%. To be honest, we're still at it, because manners and being polite are ongoing concepts.

Then Eli realised that when he says "please", he gets something in return. And then he thought if he said it enough times, he would get whatever he wants. He even told me yesterday, after I had told him "no" for that packet of crisps before dinner, "But I said please!"

So the lesson I've learnt from this, is that we should always have good manners. Regardless of what we're after, or what the outcome, manners manners manners.

Because it took your mom a lifetime to teach them to you.

10. It's ok to pretend.

Eli lives in a fantasy world, and I love taking glimpses of this crazy, beautiful world with him, although I know that I will never be able to see exactly what he does because of my "adult eyes".

He takes a bite of his chip, and he says, "Look mommy, it's a fish." And then two minutes later, "Look mommy, the shark is now eating the fish." If he doesn't know the name of a fictional character or one of his toys, he says, "Hmmm let's call him..." and then he makes something up. Eli's imagination knows no bounds, and this is a good thing.

Unfortunately, as adults, we tend to err more on the side of being realists. And this is purely because we have (most of us) experienced hardships in life. We've become a bit jaded and sceptical, but when we surround ourselves with kids, and try to see the world through their eyes, we realise once again how beautiful life really is.

And I'm sorry, but I don't care who you are - if a 3 year-old gives you a cup of tea that he has been "cooking", you better drink it.

And you better pretend that it's the most delicious tea that you've ever tasted.

It's good for the soul.

Tori: {bird}

I promise to always

form a cocoon for you

- with my arms -

until you grow

your own set of wings.

With my kisses

I will provide an antidote

for your every sore heart,

every cutting word

and every reality that stings.

For you, my butterfly,

I would give up

the ability to fly

if it meant

that you would soar.

Tori, my little bird.

The girl with the

hummingbird heart

and the sky in her eyes:

I will always love you more.